The Beauty of Tenet... or so I've Heard
By Peyton Hayes '21
It has been a difficult time for movie critics across the world, principally because there are no new movies and the theaters are closed. As I sat back in my seat at the Bowtie Cinema on Boulevard, the lights dimmed and the movie started. That is probably how I would have started this review if I had, in fact, seen the movie. The biggest movie, and by that I mean only movie, to come out that anyone really cared about (aside from Sonic, which in itself is bad enough to be considered a crime against humanity) is Tenet, and from what I gathered watching the 3 minute and 9 second trailer on YouTube, it’s meh.
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As I sat on my sofa with my chocolate milk in hand, I started the trailer for the first time about 4 minutes before I started this review. I knew it was going to be a phenomenal movie when I saw that the music was composed by Ludwig Göransson, which to me sounds like the name of a shelf, or possibly cabinet, one would find at Ikea. This resonates with me on a spiritual level because meatballs.
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After a few more Google searches and a tedious 5 minutes of research I learned that there is some theme of “time inversion,” which is just time travel but with more steps. Enough about that. I could tell from the trailer that the movie is full of fighting, chaos, death, destruction, and time inversion. But honestly, who needs any more reminders of 2020? In a classic case of art imitating life, Tenet is a movie about a man who gets drawn into one thing or another and then something else happens which makes some stuff explode.
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One thing is clear, and it’s not the dialogue, because according to the reviews, the majority of the conversations in Tenet are inaudible. So I guess I didn’t really miss much by not watching it. Oh and referencing back to the start of this paragraph, I stand corrected. There is nothing clear about this movie. (I would imagine) watching this movie is a lot like trying to watch senior speeches from your advisory rooms, while multiple classmates are chewing loudly on potato chips and/or using a chainsaw.
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If a half decent movie doesn’t come out soon and I end up having to watch all 2 hours and 30 minutes of Tenet, I do think I could relate to it on one level. As Roger Ebert said, “Tenet can be a hard movie to engage with emotionally or even comprehend narratively.” Sounds a lot like my senior year. Enough about that though; if I wanted to write a tear jerking review I would have written about The Notebook, or maybe Wonder Woman, or quite possibly High School Musical 2 (the best one). But I digress.
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They say that timing is everything. Timing an apocalyptic movie to come out the year of the apocalypse doesn’t seem very smart, especially coming from a director, Christopher Nolan, who’s supposed to be such a genius. Why would you release a movie when all the theaters are closed? I’m no genius, as any Collegiate teacher could attest, and even I can see how moronic of an idea that is. I’d go more in depth but there is only so much meat on a 3 minute trailer and it's a miracle I’ve gotten this much out of it so far. Thanks for letting me waste your time.
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If the trailer of Tenet isn’t your proverbial cup of tea, or you don’t have 3 minutes and 9 seconds to spare in your day, just remember it could always be worse. You could be watching Cats (2019).
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