The Beauty of Tenet... or so I've Heard
By Peyton Hayes '21
It has been a difficult time for movie critics across the world, principally because there are no new movies and the theaters are closed. As I sat back in my seat at the Bowtie Cinema on Boulevard, the lights dimmed and the movie started. That is probably how I would have started this review if I had, in fact, seen the movie. The biggest movie, and by that I mean only movie, to come out that anyone really cared about (aside from Sonic, which in itself is bad enough to be considered a crime against humanity) is Tenet, and from what I gathered watching the 3 minute and 9 second trailer on YouTube, it’s meh.
As I sat on my sofa with my chocolate milk in hand, I started the trailer for the first time about 4 minutes before I started this review. I knew it was going to be a phenomenal movie when I saw that the music was composed by Ludwig Göransson, which to me sounds like the name of a shelf, or possibly cabinet, one would find at Ikea. This resonates with me on a spiritual level because meatballs.
After a few more Google searches and a tedious 5 minutes of research I learned that there is some theme of “time inversion,” which is just time travel but with more steps. Enough about that. I could tell from the trailer that the movie is full of fighting, chaos, death, destruction, and time inversion. But honestly, who needs any more reminders of 2020? In a classic case of art imitating life, Tenet is a movie about a man who gets drawn into one thing or another and then something else happens which makes some stuff explode.
One thing is clear, and it’s not the dialogue, because according to the reviews, the majority of the conversations in Tenet are inaudible. So I guess I didn’t really miss much by not watching it. Oh and referencing back to the start of this paragraph, I stand corrected. There is nothing clear about this movie. (I would imagine) watching this movie is a lot like trying to watch senior speeches from your advisory rooms, while multiple classmates are chewing loudly on potato chips and/or using a chainsaw.
If a half decent movie doesn’t come out soon and I end up having to watch all 2 hours and 30 minutes of Tenet, I do think I could relate to it on one level. As Roger Ebert said, “Tenet can be a hard movie to engage with emotionally or even comprehend narratively.” Sounds a lot like my senior year. Enough about that though; if I wanted to write a tear jerking review I would have written about The Notebook, or maybe Wonder Woman, or quite possibly High School Musical 2 (the best one). But I digress.
They say that timing is everything. Timing an apocalyptic movie to come out the year of the apocalypse doesn’t seem very smart, especially coming from a director, Christopher Nolan, who’s supposed to be such a genius. Why would you release a movie when all the theaters are closed? I’m no genius, as any Collegiate teacher could attest, and even I can see how moronic of an idea that is. I’d go more in depth but there is only so much meat on a 3 minute trailer and it's a miracle I’ve gotten this much out of it so far. Thanks for letting me waste your time.
If the trailer of Tenet isn’t your proverbial cup of tea, or you don’t have 3 minutes and 9 seconds to spare in your day, just remember it could always be worse. You could be watching Cats (2019).
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